Loneliness by Elisabeth Elliot

Be still and know that He is God. When you are lonely, too much stillness is exactly the thing that seems to be laying waste your soul. Use that stillness to quiet your heart before God. Get to know Him. If He is God, He is still in charge. Remember that you are not alone. "The Lord, He it is that doth go with thee. He will not fail thee neither forsake thee. Be strong and of good courage." (Deut. 31:8) Jesus promised His disciples, "Lo, I am with you always." (Matt. 28:20) Never mind if you cannot feel His presence. He is there, never for one moment forgetting you. Give thanks. In times of my greatest loneliness I have been lifted up by the promise of 2 Corinthians 4:17, 18, "For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, because we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen." This is something to thank God for. This loneliness itself, which seems a weight, will be far outweighed by glory. Refuse self-pity. Refuse it absolutely. It is a deadly thing with power to destroy you. Turn your thoughts to Christ who has already carried your griefs and sorrows. Accept your loneliness. It is one stage, and only one stage, on a journey that brings you to God. It will not always last. Offer up your loneliness to God, as the little boy offered to Jesus his five loaves and two fishes. God can transform it for the good of others. Do something for somebody else. No matter who or where you are, there is something you can do, somebody who needs you. Pray that you may be an instrument of God's peace, that where there is loneliness you may bring joy. rebellion-- if this is the will of God for me now, He doesn't love me. rejection-- if this is what God is giving me, I won't have any part of it. faith-- God knows exactly what He's doing acceptance-- He loves me; He plans good things for me; I'll take it.

A Beautiful Day

This was written in spring of 2011:

"It's a beautiful day today!" This is such a common phrase, but what does it really mean? I was struck today by the fact that the simple phrase "it's a beautiful day" means different things to different people.

This morning, I walked out of my house at 7:30 in the morning to a fog stricken misty air with light just beginning to arise into the overcast sky. My friend from Scotland said, "It's a beautiful day" as he picked me up to drop me off at the bus station so that I could catch my bus to Chicago. I looked out at the grey sky and said "yeah, it's a great day" with a hint of sarcasim in my voice. I was just thinking that it's going to be "great fun" walking around Chicago with my two bags in this boggy weather. I was imagining arriving at the hotel with my clothes damped by the thick air. Great day! At the same time, I knew that he really liked days like today. It reminded him of home and in a country that is far away from Scottland, over cast, rainy days can be a welcomed familiarity. My inklings were confirmed as he said, "I really do like days like today." As we continued driving towards the center of Detroit, we talked about how erie the city looked with the mist hanging low over the buildings. There was this huge building right before us that was obviously abandoned. Not a single light appeared in a window while the other skyscapers around it were slowly coming to life with a flick of the switch.

Traveling westward on the Megabus, I saw a flick of the switch as the sun rose, clouds dispersed, and blue appeared high above in the sky. Getting out at our rest stop, I thought "It's a beautiful day." Then it hit me, we say these point blank statements, but they mean different things to different people. I don't think Andy would say that it wasn't a beautiful day because the sun was out and the sky was blue, but that doesn't mean that boggy days aren't beautiful too. Or maybe he actually doesn't like sunny days. I don't know. But a beautiful day isn't about the sun, or clouds, or even the weather. A beautiful day is about how we preceive it and what we make of it. Rain or shine, I hope to see many more beautiful days.

"Mission Trip Experience"

Yesterday, our summer internship program (DSO) had dinner with another Christian summer internship program. It was really great to have our two groups together to be able to talk and share experiences of serving and working in the city of Detroit. We met in Southwest Detroit which has a lot of Latinos living there. A couple of children from the neighborhood joined us for dinner. They were so cute, and they were a lot of fun to talk to. It was also great to have some of our interns from Mexico and Costa Rica talk to them in Spanish and see all their faces light up while the rest of us were grasping here and there for words we might be able to understand.

After dinner, we decided to head to an empty lot/ grass field to play some soccer. There were already some boys playing with cones set up as boundaries and goals. There we were our group and a few of the other interns playing with all of these Latino children. Most of us weren't really dressed for soccer as I was wearing a skirt and flip flops, but we made it work. As the sun was going down and we were playing in this dried out field with a pile of glass in the corner, I felt like I was in the classic "third world mission trip" experience of playing soccer with the locals. It was a surreal moment. I wasn't familiar with the area of town or the people we were playing with, but it didn't really matter. Everyone was just happy to be playing, and we were having fun. The little kids were getting attention, and it was just a break from the chaos of the week just to enjoy the goodness of fellowship. We will probably never see them again, but it was worth it. Our life here is about making the little things count and seeing the Lord bless it.

By the way, I played goalie, and everyone said I did a good job (I'm not really a soccer player). It was crazy trying to guard the goal (we played boys vs girls and Alejandro) with all these little kids surrounding me because they were trying to "help" me. I was trying not to step on them or have them nailed in the head with a flying ball. Oh the adventures of my life!

My Black Friend

I don't think anybody knows this, but growing up I really wanted a black friend. I remember dreaming about what it would be like if an African-American family moved into our little town. I just dreamed about a little black girl my age who I could play with. I don't know why I wanted a black girl to be my friend, but I just did.

It has been funny to look back on my life this year to see the little things that have happened in my life that bring a bit of sense to me being in Detroit. It's definitely not a random journey. God has been preparing me and my family for years... but that's another story- let's get back to my friend, Tanesha.

Last night, I felt like such a little girl sitting on the front porch of my house comparing my skin tones with Tanesha. She was talking about how dark her skin was getting from the sun, so naturally I started showing off my sun tan as well. She said I wasn't very dark, so I showed her the difference between my legs and arms. Then we started comparing our arms to each other. It was so funny especially when Priscilla came to the door and said "Tanesha won!"

My friendship with Tanesha has been completely unexpected. I first met her in October at the Bezalel Project. She was a volunteer helper who was very passive and quiet. I wasn't sure how well I was going to work with her because she was so quiet. I remember one time having her help me back up the van which I backed into a pole because she hadn't yelled at me to stop. Needless to say, I was a little irritated. I had to give her a chance though to really get to know her. Eventually I would break through, right?

I decided it would be good to invite her over to my house and hangout. I needed to build friendships in Detroit, and I wanted to bring her into the life we shared together in community. I invited her over for dinner at the Propson's after we had Bezalel. As we were sitting around the table sharing a meal together, Tanesha said this was her FIRST sit down meal she had ever had. We were in shock. Even more shocked because Tanesha came from a good family living with her mom and dad, went to a good private school, and completed college (more than I can say. Just wait until next year, Mom.) So that became our rhythm, every once in a while Tanesha would come over for dinner, help with dishes, hang out or watch a movie afterward. Slowly she got to know the Propson family, and the kids would run to the door when she would arrive with Mack yelling "Miss Esha, Miss Esha!" She would pick up one of the kids or sit on the couch while they all piled on top of her as she read a book to them. She got very used to the Propson clan and our dinner conversations from deep philosophical issues to Dorothy's future adventures to "Issac time to go potty."

In November when my roommate, Ana, moved back to Costa Rica, I had no one to run the girl's high school youth group with. It was a very difficult time for me because I was the only young single woman living with our community here in Detroit. I felt very lonely, and I had a lot of responsibilities now resting on my shoulders. To make matters worse, it became darker earlier so I had to constantly rely on the guys to walk me home even if it was a block or two as early as 5 PM. My pride and ego didn't like that much. I was frustrated that I had to rely on so many people, and I was frustrated at the sin within the city. It was a hard and challenging time, but God really provided. He used it for His glory in ways that I would have imagined- like transforming Tanesha's life.

I had to find somebody to help lead the youth group with me. They needed to be responsible and trustworthy. Basically I needed somebody to testify for me if somebody tried to sue me, and hopefully somebody who would be able to help disciple my youth group girls. Tanesha made the most sense since she had been around helping with both Bezalel and youth group. My first meeting I did without Ana went really well, but it was kind of funny. I had two older girls who went to Cornerstone school (one of the best schools in Detroit) and two younger girls who were from the hood. God worked amazingly though, and we were able to talk about deeper things relating to faith. Actually the youth groups after Ana left went amazingly well. Sometimes God likes to use less so that He can work more.

During the year, I didn't have many women to be friends with in Detroit and the crazy thing is either did Tanesha. Something that I have found to be a large problem in Detroit is that people don't have friends. They have people who might have their back in a fight, but they really aren't their friends. They have people they can hangout with, but no one they can really talk to. Tanesha had been holding things in for so long that she didn't even really know how to share with me. Slowly she began to open up more and more, and we now have a beautiful friendship.

One of the biggest Glory to God stories from my friendship with Tanesha is how He used me to be a vessel to transform not only her life, but putting her in a position to impact hundreds throughout the city of Detroit. One Saturday afternoon, Tanesha texted me to see what I was doing which she had never done before. I told her that it was Mackery's birthday, and I invited her to come. At the birthday party, she met Paul Propson who runs Covenant Community Clinics. By the end of the conversation, Tanesha got his business card, and an opportunity to apply for an open position at the clinic. A few weeks later, Tanesha had a paid internship at the clinic.

Near the end of the internship, Tanesha was helping setup for an initiative called the EACH mobile medical and dental clinics. EACH (Everyone A Chance to Hear) was a city wide initiative to share the message of Jesus Christ for 40 days after Easter with all of Metro Detroit. Different churches and ministries took part in the initiative in different ways. During the 40 days, the mobile clinics moved around the city serving the physical and spiritual needs of those who couldn't afford medical or dental care.

Tanesha was there each of these days helping and serving at the clinics and before long she was in charge of all the medical teams. She was the one who would lead the meetings and tell people what they needed to do. I was shocked to learn that she was in charge of everything and telling people what to do because she used to be so shy. The best part is that she was serving with EACH voluntarily. The medical clinics aren't running anymore, but in the fall, Tanesha has a paid position running the medical teams at the mobile clinics. I am happy to see how God has provided for Tanesha as she has faithfully served Him.

I am so blessed to have Tanesha as a friend. Even more so, I am blessed to have her as sister. It's fun to sometimes confuse the Bezalel kids when we tell them that we are sisters. It's really funny because besides the fact that she's black-she's also a foot shorter and very thin. We look basically the same! I know that this friendship is going to continue to blossom. It's been great to see Tanesha be more connected with other women who can support her as well. God has so much planned for her. I can't wait to see where God brings her in life.

Tanesha, I love you a lot!

hangin in the hood

I am continually amazed and blown away by my ability to hang in the hood. Today, I had somebody tell me that I am no longer a small town girl. I am, in the fact of some of my innocence and the way I grew up, but I'm not at the same time because I have experienced too much.

There have been different tines this past month when I have dealt with a situation that left me baffled. At a high school retreat recently, I stood up to one of our Detroit guys who I don't know well and is rough around the edges and told him that he needed to get to his next session. He didn't want to listen to me, but then he did. I was loving and caring, but I also stood strong. He didn't need to listen to me. He could have told me off or punched me, but he didn't. He did what I told him to because he respected me.

Respect, some how, some way, I am starting to earn it. The kids are starting to respect me, and not only are they starting to respect me, but they also know that I love them. One of my youth group girls, she puts up a tough front, but she is really hurting on the inside. God has given me such a love for her. Even when she puts up a fight with me, we both know I will win not because I'm right and she's wrong, but because she respects me and she knows that I love her no matter what she does. It's hard to explain how this really works. The balance of will powers and where love and respect fall into place, but man it's essential. You need both love and respect to make it in this kind of ministry.

I am also starting to belong (I don't even know if I can use that word in this context) in the Freedom housing projects. People are starting to recognize me, and it's ok that I am there. I have always felt confident and unafraid there (which is a complete grace from God) but now I am experiencing a new freedom of confidence. People are starting to recognize me both people I know and those that I don't. A lot of people still stare and wonder why I am there, but for a few of them I'm slowly becoming a face in which they feel comfortable/alright with. I don't fit in or belong in any way shape or form in the Freedoms. Almost every time I go, I wonder what I am doing there. I have never felt so out of place in my life, yet I hold my head up high and do my job for the kids. I am their for the youth and that is my primary focus. I think people are starting to see that too.

Anyways, the last couple of weeks, I have been acknowledged by this guy who has sisters who have been apart of our program. He has a really messed up life, and I don't know where his life is even going. For so long, he would just completely ignore me even if I said "hi" to him. Then last week, he was walking home from school and he waved at me when I drove by. Today, I was walking in the Freedoms and he gave me a little head nod. I returned it with a half smile, grateful that I was finally being welcomed onto his territory. I don't wave or shout hello. It's unnecessary and often unhelpful. I've been mocked before in the Freedoms for being too cheerful, but that's when I see our kids stand up for what is right (and for me) even when it's hard.

I don't know how I have learned my street smarts or how to hang in the hood, but I'm learning by the grace of God. What's most incredible is that I am still me. I don't dress or speak like they do in the hood, yet I am still accepted. God has called me to be me just the way I am, and He is using me to share His love in the places I would least expect it by hangin in the hood.

You don't have to read this- part 3

Today I learned that Linda's story continues on not just here in my blog or with the people at St. Al's but all around the country. I received a phone call from my grandmother today saying that in the Dubuque Telegraph which is in Iowa she read the story about Br. Al who found Linda. He actually was there with her when she died. He was looking out his window and didn't see her, so he went in search of her to find her barely breathing. He called the parish nurse (who has a parish nurse? I love it because there is need for one) who said to rub on her sternum. Finally the paramedics arrived and after an hour of working on her, they declared her dead. I am so grateful that Brother Al was with her. I am so grateful that she didn't die alone. I am so grateful that her death isn't in vain. I am so grateful that her story continues on. May many people's hearts be moved in compassion to yell "injustice" and pray for God's justice to reign here on earth.

(More from the article to come in the near future.)

At the End of the Day

I sit down at 10:50 PM at my computer after a long day working in Detroit. I check facebook and start thinking about my day. Exhaustion slowly starts to sweep over me, yet I know I'm not quite ready for bed yet. As my day swirls in my mind, I know that I will be lighting a candle, listening to funky Christian music and taking sometime to think and journal. I love my late night candle, music, work times. Sometimes it's really lonely though. I am very aware of the fact that I am the only one here and I often think about Kayla, my missionary sister who has very similar late night times as I do on the other side of the world.

After checking facebook, I take out the poems that were written at Bezalel (our after school program) today. I tell myself that I am not going to do any work, but I just want to read over these poems quick. I am stricken by reality and emotion that they put into these poems. I have been hoping for a day in which REALITY would come out in their work. One of our kids really loves animals, and a death of one brings out anger and tears. Bullying is such a reality for most of youth, and they don't know what to do about it. Then you have the boy who wants to remain in his dream land because then he wouldn't have to cry and cry over the death of his brother, yet I can also tell that Jesus is working in his life when he writes about remaining with him forever more. We were preparing writings to be used for spoken word/slam poetry. The kids were so restless today as I was trying to teach them how to write slam poetry, but as soon as I started talking about Jesus being condemned to death- all eyes were on me. Then for some reason, I was given the grace to write my own slam poetry and perform it before them. This month we are preparing a modified stations of the cross represented through different art forms like slam poetry.

The people in this city are so hungry for truth. I would even dare to say in this world, but we will take one city at a time! On Tuesday, I led the AA meeting at the Capuchin Soup Kitchen. I was asked to do it 2 hours before it started. I had led Bible studies before there, but never an AA meeting. I decided to blend the two together. There was one time during the meeting when I was preaching a bit about Psalm 32, and I looked up to see everyone looking and listening to me. Those moments overwhelm and I think "blaha what am i doing!?" I led an AA meeting, and it went really well. I cannot even begin to take the credit for it. I'm not equipped to lead AA meetings, but I have said "yes" to the Lord and He is equipped to do whatever He wants to with me.

Part of my late night thoughts is extreme randomness as I process through my day. So one of the girls I work with isn't going to school right now because her mom doesn't have enough money to put gas in the car. She's NOT going to school because they can't afford to put gas in the car.

Life is so complicated here. I have been told to survive here long term I need to prepare myself as if I am living in a third world country. I can't even begin to list all the times I wondered if I truly was in a third world country. Sometimes my life goes in circles and I wonder if I am accomplishing anything. I went to the library twice yesterday to try to get a movie for youth group. The first time the movie section was randomly closed. The second time was a failure because I wasn't able to get the movie even though they said they had it online. I don't think it was an absolute failure though because I was able to talk with a guy from the Freedom Projects who I hadn't seen in a while. I think it was an anointed meeting which I was very grateful for.

So often on nights like tonight, I think about my life as a missionary. I chuckle that I am in America because I imagine myself listening to music, burning a candle, and journaling in some foreign land. Who knows what that foreign land might be, but for right now it's Detroit. Oh Detroit! I never would have imagined living in this place. It's funny- a week ago today, I was leaving a families house after a very intense time of prayer and driving through downtown Detroit with my windows open (definitely not warm enough) with a Scotsman. I would have never imagined that in my wildest dreams. And yet there I was on Jefferies looking at the skyscrapers passing by, feeling the breeze on my face, and experiencing the Lord's blessings of the life He has given me. It's not easy or always the most attractive, but it truly is a blessed life. As I blow out my candle and crawl into bed, I thank God for stepping into my life and leading me on the adventure of a life time!