You don't have to read this- part 3

Today I learned that Linda's story continues on not just here in my blog or with the people at St. Al's but all around the country. I received a phone call from my grandmother today saying that in the Dubuque Telegraph which is in Iowa she read the story about Br. Al who found Linda. He actually was there with her when she died. He was looking out his window and didn't see her, so he went in search of her to find her barely breathing. He called the parish nurse (who has a parish nurse? I love it because there is need for one) who said to rub on her sternum. Finally the paramedics arrived and after an hour of working on her, they declared her dead. I am so grateful that Brother Al was with her. I am so grateful that she didn't die alone. I am so grateful that her death isn't in vain. I am so grateful that her story continues on. May many people's hearts be moved in compassion to yell "injustice" and pray for God's justice to reign here on earth.

(More from the article to come in the near future.)

At the End of the Day

I sit down at 10:50 PM at my computer after a long day working in Detroit. I check facebook and start thinking about my day. Exhaustion slowly starts to sweep over me, yet I know I'm not quite ready for bed yet. As my day swirls in my mind, I know that I will be lighting a candle, listening to funky Christian music and taking sometime to think and journal. I love my late night candle, music, work times. Sometimes it's really lonely though. I am very aware of the fact that I am the only one here and I often think about Kayla, my missionary sister who has very similar late night times as I do on the other side of the world.

After checking facebook, I take out the poems that were written at Bezalel (our after school program) today. I tell myself that I am not going to do any work, but I just want to read over these poems quick. I am stricken by reality and emotion that they put into these poems. I have been hoping for a day in which REALITY would come out in their work. One of our kids really loves animals, and a death of one brings out anger and tears. Bullying is such a reality for most of youth, and they don't know what to do about it. Then you have the boy who wants to remain in his dream land because then he wouldn't have to cry and cry over the death of his brother, yet I can also tell that Jesus is working in his life when he writes about remaining with him forever more. We were preparing writings to be used for spoken word/slam poetry. The kids were so restless today as I was trying to teach them how to write slam poetry, but as soon as I started talking about Jesus being condemned to death- all eyes were on me. Then for some reason, I was given the grace to write my own slam poetry and perform it before them. This month we are preparing a modified stations of the cross represented through different art forms like slam poetry.

The people in this city are so hungry for truth. I would even dare to say in this world, but we will take one city at a time! On Tuesday, I led the AA meeting at the Capuchin Soup Kitchen. I was asked to do it 2 hours before it started. I had led Bible studies before there, but never an AA meeting. I decided to blend the two together. There was one time during the meeting when I was preaching a bit about Psalm 32, and I looked up to see everyone looking and listening to me. Those moments overwhelm and I think "blaha what am i doing!?" I led an AA meeting, and it went really well. I cannot even begin to take the credit for it. I'm not equipped to lead AA meetings, but I have said "yes" to the Lord and He is equipped to do whatever He wants to with me.

Part of my late night thoughts is extreme randomness as I process through my day. So one of the girls I work with isn't going to school right now because her mom doesn't have enough money to put gas in the car. She's NOT going to school because they can't afford to put gas in the car.

Life is so complicated here. I have been told to survive here long term I need to prepare myself as if I am living in a third world country. I can't even begin to list all the times I wondered if I truly was in a third world country. Sometimes my life goes in circles and I wonder if I am accomplishing anything. I went to the library twice yesterday to try to get a movie for youth group. The first time the movie section was randomly closed. The second time was a failure because I wasn't able to get the movie even though they said they had it online. I don't think it was an absolute failure though because I was able to talk with a guy from the Freedom Projects who I hadn't seen in a while. I think it was an anointed meeting which I was very grateful for.

So often on nights like tonight, I think about my life as a missionary. I chuckle that I am in America because I imagine myself listening to music, burning a candle, and journaling in some foreign land. Who knows what that foreign land might be, but for right now it's Detroit. Oh Detroit! I never would have imagined living in this place. It's funny- a week ago today, I was leaving a families house after a very intense time of prayer and driving through downtown Detroit with my windows open (definitely not warm enough) with a Scotsman. I would have never imagined that in my wildest dreams. And yet there I was on Jefferies looking at the skyscrapers passing by, feeling the breeze on my face, and experiencing the Lord's blessings of the life He has given me. It's not easy or always the most attractive, but it truly is a blessed life. As I blow out my candle and crawl into bed, I thank God for stepping into my life and leading me on the adventure of a life time!

You Give and Take Away

I am incredibly blessed this morning as I wake up with the sun shining through the window remembering the great blessings of waking up this morning. My black brothers and sisters both from Africa and Detroit have taught me a lot about blessedness and be incredibly grateful for the new day God has given us.

This morning, I was also reflecting upon a situation within Youth Works that we have been praying for all year, and I want to now bring to your attention. We no longer have one of our vans we used to use on a regular basis. It has definitely been frustrating to have to use other vehicles that don't work as well. But as I am listening to Tree63's song "Blessed Be Your Name," I realize that God gives and takes away but blessed be His name. No matter what happens- God is worthy to be blessed and praised.

My brothers and sisters, this is not only a blog about God's blessings, but also about being a Christian community. Acts 2.42-27 as well as Acts 4.32-37, it talks about life in a Christian community. They prayed together, broke bread together, and witnessed together. They also had a common life together. Scripture says, "There was no needy person among them, for those who owned property or houses would sell them, bring the proceeds of the sale, and put them at the feet of the apostles, and they were distributed to each according to need." These verses strike me because it really shows what it means to be ONE in the body of Christ and to have everything be provided through Christ's body.

Youth Works is in need of a working mini van that will be used for our Bezalel Project. Bezalel Project works with kids in our neighborhood in 2nd-8th grade. Most of the kids are from the housing projects and have very difficult lives. We are blessed with the opportunity to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ by loving these children as well as giving them opportunities to grow academically, artistically, and spiritually. Here's a video of the youth we worked with this summer: http://kairos-media.org/?view/video/FKVfXBVn If you have a van or know someone with a van that they are willing to donate, please contact me at senilles@stthomas.edu

There are many needs in our world, but I believe that God desires to fill these needs if we are only willing to listen to Him. Take some time to pray and see how you are being called to share within the body of Christ. And through all things may we bless the name of the Lord!

Blessed Be Your Name Lyrics:
Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
And blessed be Your name when I?m found in the
desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back
to praise
And when the darkness closes in Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name when the suns shining
down on me
When the worlds ?ll as it should be
Blessed be Your name
And blessed be Your name on the road marked
with suffering
Though theres pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

My Parents & God's Garden

For my entire life (including now), I have been dependent upon my parents for so many things in my life. I am incredibly blessed because they have always been there for me to support, love, and care for me. I could always go to them for help with my school project, a problem with a friend, new shoes, gas money, the list can go on. My dad always asks me, "how are you doing financially?" And for the most part I am doing just fine because so many people have provided for me so well. Money has never been an issue for me. I have always been careful with money. When my parents gave me money to go to the mall, I always shopped on the sale racks and would bring the change back. Of course there have been times when I didn't really have money, but I could have gotten it quite easily.

This isn't the case for so many of the people I serve. They struggle. I hear that phrase a lot, and I don't really understand it. Today, I was enlightened just a little bit of what it means to struggle. One guy here in Detroit was talking about how no one in his family has money. He can't just go to his mama and ask for money. Now that he has a job, he is usually giving some money to his mama. Whenever one of his brothers or sisters gets money, they share the little bit of what they have around. In order to get anything he wants, he has to earn it. And it's not even that simple. If you don't have a car, it's hard to get to your job or school. Other times, you are dealt a bad hand of cards and something get stolen or someone screws you over.

This was talking to me about how he has support from different ministries, but it doesn't really care for his physical needs. He still needs money to pay his bills, for gas, food, incidentals, ect. He talked about the times in which he would sell weed or gamble in order to make a living. He said that people think so poorly about drug dealers, and sometimes it just starts with somebody in a desperate situation needing to feed their family. Not all drug dealers are like this. Some are in it for the fancy things, but many of them start off just needing some extra cash. I encountered the same thing in Sierra Leone. Women would go into prostitution in order to feed their children. Yes, it's a horrible thing. It's wrong. They shouldn't be doing it, but what else should they do?

You have heard the quote, "Give a man to fish and he will eat today. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime." Somebody once said that it isn't good enough to teach a man to fish, but to also know where the fish are coming from. As I continue to live, love, and learn, I've realized knowing where the fish come from is so important. We can't just tell people to change or to stop doing what they are doing. We need to learn WHY they are doing what they are doing. Then we can deal with the root issue. But it's easier to prune a tree rather than uproot it completely. It's a lot of work to uproot a tree. It's not just this one tree. There is a forest of trees with their roots SO intertwined. We have to learn about the trees, learn about the soil, uproot, untie, and plant again. It gives a new meaning to a new creation.

People sometimes ask what I am doing here in Detroit. I play in the dirt. God gives me water, tools, fertilizer, shovels, hoes, light, ect. and I use it. I haven't uprooted any trees yet, but I have been apart of learning a lot about the trees, soil, and I have even untied a few roots. It's a messy job, but I am grateful to be a part of it because I know one day the fruit is going to be beautiful and delicious.

For some reason, I have never had to struggle for the basic necessities like so many of those around me. In Minneapolis, there is a ministry called Source who works with at risk and alienated youth. The director and I were once talking about how our society says at the age of 18 you are an adult, but he asked me how many 18 year old I knew who were not still depending at least partially on their parents. I couldn't think of many. I am so blessed by the ways in which my parents have cared and provided for me. I know that I wouldn't be able to do this work without them. At the same time, I realize that not everyone is blessed in the same way that I am. I try to understand their situations and not be as quick to judge. Most of the time we only see a small bit of the whole picture. Life is not as simple as we often make it up to be. We live in a world intertwined with so many others. Let us be gentle with one another and allow God to tend His garden with grace and mercy.

You don't have to read this-part 2

Last Tuesday (while driving to UCO- a Christian prayer group at the University of Michigan campus), I learned that the woman I wrote about in "You don't have to read this" froze to death during the night of Friday, January 21. I was in shock and horror when I heard this, yet I didn't scream or cry even though everything inside of me wanted to. Ed said that she suffered from paranoia. The Franciscan Friars had tried to get her in a shelter or apartment, but she would always leave. Ed took comfort in the fact that she was no longer suffering. It gives a whole new meaning of what heaven will be like and what the meaning of Revelation 21. 4, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there shall be no more death or mourning, wailing or pain, (for) the older order has passed away."

But we can mourn now and we should. I work with a lot of men, so I struggle sometimes with the concept of crying and mourning because I'm not really in an environment where I can break down and sob. Well, I could, but it's not the same as living in a household of women like I did last year. At the same time, there is a need to still mourn. Jesus wept. It's the shortest and sometimes I think the most powerful verse in the Bible. God mourns over His hurting people. A Father weeps over His children.

Fr. Tod, the parish priest of St. Aloysius Church- the church Linda usually stayed in front of, wrote this in the bulletin:
"Earlier this week as I drove by 37 State street, I noticed a small group of people gathered by the empty doorway where Brother Al discovered Linda. They seemed to be praying and I knwe it was for this poor woman and all who die of the terrible cold.
We could focus on the poverty that drives these people onto the streets, the desperation of their lives that leaves them so alone in the world. We could move onto rail against 'the system; and how it seems to be so uncaring and to always look for ways to withhold precious resources from those most in need. As true as all these arguments are and as much as we need to address the issues, we would, I suspect be avoiding the heart of the matter.
Both women are human persons. They are our sisters. They are gone now and we are bereft, grieving their passing. We feel the emptiness, the helplessness and perhaps even the futility in all our efforts to be there for them. We somehow need to give voice to our deep, aching pain. We need to remember both women in our prayer and in our corporation lives. They are a part of us and something of each of us has died with them. In our poverty we bring all of this to God and cry out, 'may the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace!'"

Fr. Tod put into words so much what I was thinking and feeling. It was very comforting to see a man who is shepherding God's people give them hope and comfort. God didn't will for these women to suffer and die, but he did allow it. He also is able to and will bring good out of this situation. There is already a proposal and letter being written to the city to provide space within city buildings to be used on bitterly cold nights. I don't know what is going to come of it, but people are starting to recognize and act upon this desperate need. And for others of us, we just continue to weep, cry out injustice, love those around us, and hope in the saving power of our sovereign King. Come Lord Jesus. Come quickly. We eagerly wait for that day when there will be no more weeping or mourning, and we will be able to rejoice in your presence.

You don't have to read this

I am giving you fair warning: YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ THIS... but if you do, know that you can't unread it. Today was real... yet again. It was painful, and I saw things that I didn't want to see. I actually turned away from it, but after talking to a good friend back in Minnesota he helped me to understand what I did and what I am doing. He was actually the one who told me I needed to write about this because people need to know. People need to know the reality of the country in which they live in.

This morning was kind of rough for me. I was in desperate need of some time with God, but like usual I just didn't have the time that I needed or maybe that I wasn't willing to make. I knew God was trying to reach deep within me, but I wasn't quite ready for it. Off to church I went knowing that it would find me there, and there it did find me. (I don't even want to keep writing because my heart aches terribly just thinking about it.) As our car drove up to St. Al's in downtown Detroit, I turned to see a white bare bum and thighs of a woman between two cars urinating. She must of been in her late 50's maybe early 60's. She was barely squatting, but it was quite evident that she was easing herself. I turned away quickly half chuckling that we were trying to get into this small parking space and that I had just seen this woman going to the bathroom in street wondering but not dare asking if the guy next to me saw it too. "Only in Detroit," I said to myself trying to brush it off.

When we got out of the car, our Detroit friend, E, walked over to see if the woman was ok now that she was back in her little cubby while the other guy was just kind of standing to see what the situation was. I waited for a second and then just went inside. I couldn't deal with it. I just needed some time to pray. Homeless people are outside the church all the time in this cubby. After putting down my stuff, I went straight to the front of the church to pray near the tabernacle. Tears started streaming down as I prayed. I just didn't want to deal with that pain and suffering of the city at that moment, yet it was hitting me all at once. I just felt the Lord's grief as I grieved over this woman and so many like her. I cried out to God apologizing for my own inadequacy, yet acknowledging Him as Lord over all.

After gathering myself together, I sat next to E and asked her about the woman. E told me that she had no shoes. She had no shoes on. She had no shoes. It was 7 degrees outside last night. It is snowy and slushy. Her socks must have been sopping. It must have been so cold and painful standing on that marble without any shoes. E invited her inside, but the woman said that she needed some air. E said that she understood. E said that her shoes were too small, but I knew mine weren't. I thought about going out to be with the woman, but I knew that I needed to be at Mass. I just prayed for her and kept offering her up. In my brokenness sorrow, I was able to connect deeply to the Mass finding a great peace and comfort. I realized that it wouldn't be much help to give her my shoes because she needed new socks. I decided that after Mass I would go out to talk to her, drive home, and bring back a pair of boots and thick socks. When I headed out after Mass, I saw two cop cars, an ambulance, and a Franciscan Friar. I knew that she was in good hands, and the brother would make sure she was taken care of. God is good and He finds ways to care for all of His children.

There are so many situations in Detroit that take me aback and cause me to wonder which country I am in... Sierra Leone or America? The poorest country in the world or the richest country in the world? Can you imagine getting to the point in which you just pee in the street? Or walking with no shoes? And how many shoes do I have in my closet? Or in your closet? Since coming to Detroit, I have been reading a lot of the Book of Isaiah. The prophets often cry out about the injustice of our world and of God's people. In Isaiah 58 it says, "This, rather, is the fasting I wish: releasing those bound unjustly, untying the thongs of the yoke; Setting free the oppressed, breaking every yoke..." Lord, I cry "INJUSTICE!" A woman was walking in the cold and snow with no shoes. She was urinating in the streets. Where is her dignity? Her dignity is in being a daughter of God, but does she even know this? Let us be the voice that cries "INJUSTICE" in our world and be the hands and feet in which the Lord uses to bind the brokenhearted and love the unlovables. I might have been wrong today not going over there to help her, but I am in need of a Savior not a savior myself. I have come to realize that I need to be filled with the Lord, and unless it is His strength and love, I am useless. May I have the humility and strength to keep crawling back to the Lord so that He may love me in order that I may love others sharing the love of Christ.

Brutal Honesty

I don't know if you have ever spent an extended time period with an African American family, but something you will quickly realize is that usually they are all brutally honest with one another, with you, with the guy walking down the street. It is just part of their culture and personhood to be extremely honest.

Last week, a couple of my friends were visiting from St. Paul, and they attended an AA meeting with me at the Capuchin Soup Kitchen. One of the things that stuck out to them was how honest everyone was. The people at the meeting told it as it was. They weren't trying to hide anything because there was no reason to do so. There were a few women who were being extremely honest about using, being in jail that week, and a few other situations going on in their life. Because of their honesty, another man was able to be honest about catching his girl with another man, and how he really wanted to use but didn't. Men, especially African American men, don't like to be honest about those sorts of things, yet because of other people's honesty he was able to be honest. It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "The Truth will set you free." Honesty is a huge part of the 12 Steps AA program. They say that if you have the capacity of being honest with yourself this program can work for you, but only if you are honest with yourself and others.

For my friends who were visiting, this honesty came as a bit of a shock. They were reflecting on their lives back home and how few people were actually honest with each other. In the white, especially suburban, culture (this doesn't mean that you have to be white it is just the ethnicity that is most associated with this culture) we often like to wear masks to hide from the reality of life. We don't like to show people what is actually going on in our lives, so we hide behind the mask of "this is the me I want to show you." But what if that isn't the actual you? (Oh baby, I could go on about that, but I am going to stick with honesty for a bit.) We like to smooth things over and avoid confrontation. It often feels like we are walking on glass in order to not ruffle any feathers. But that's craziness! We would rather choose walking on glass... GLASS... in order to not ruffle any feathers! Feathers or glass?!

Yesterday, Andy and I went to visit a family that has been working with Youth Works for the past few years. They are an incredible family that is close to both of our hearts. It is always a huge blessing to go over to their house to hang out and talk trash... and that's often what we do. It is so good to be their sitting in their living room talking about everything under the sun, yet it can often be a little awkward. Everything is talked about, and I mean everything! This morning, I was reflecting on why I thought it was awkward, and I realized that it was too honest for me. I am not used to the brutal honesty that dominates our conversations. In another one of my blogs that I am working on, I talk more about the raw reality of Detroit, and honesty is another part of this raw reality in which I live in. The honesty stretches me, but it is such a blessing. It is an honor for me to sit in their living room like family talking about anything that comes to mind. Even though there are things said that make me feel a little awkward like talking about strip clubs, if I have ADHD, what smells in the house, or which guy is the cutest, there is also the conversations where I feel so privileged to be sitting in the living room of these teachers. Teachers who open their lives up to me in order to share what's really going on. I see the hand of God at work right before my eyes.

In our work in Detroit, we see very little of the fruit of our labors, but with this family, God just lavishes me with blessings. They are so grateful for what Youth Works provides to not only their family, but to the city. Together we are able to share how our lives have been changed by the work in which God is doing in through Youth Works. And I see it. I see how Andy and I have been changed, and I get the pleasure of seeing how this family is being changed.

This brutal honesty isn't really as brutal as I once thought. The things I often see as awkward aren't as awkward as I thought if I put them into context. I am actually grateful that they feel comfortable enough to share these things with me. The honesty can sometimes be painful, but it's real. There is a rawness to it that testifies to our true personhood- to our being. It gets to the core of who we are- A beautiful mess in need of a Savior.