Beauty in the Mess

Often in my youth work in Youth Initiatives we speak about getting into the messes of life with young people.  It's often challenging, tricky, and painful and most of the time... messy.  The thing about messes though is we really much prefer to hide our messes.  People don't want others to see the mess of their lives or necessarily be in the messes of others.  Thats why we are often professional "small talkers."  Take enough interest that you care, but not too much because you don't want to get into the mess of other people's lives.  We would hate to intrude or anything.

And whenever anybody is coming over for a dinner or a cup of tea, we are quick to tidy up our house and throw things into our "junk drawer" or that "spare bedroom" in which no one should ever dare to enter unless they are wiling to risk bodily harm from a possible avalanche of random stuff.

Growing up, my dad would always tell me a story about whenever my Uncle David and him were kids no matter what the activity was- my Uncle David would always get dirtier than him.  Even if they were doing the exact same thing. He would of course be telling me this when I was trying to bake cookies and the kitchen was covered with egg, flour, sugar, butter etc...

I'm a bit of a messy person.  I like the sprawl out wherever I am.  I was at a friends house for dinner last night for no more than 2 hours and when it came time to leave, I had to find my coat in one room and a scarf in the other.  Often, my shoes are also in another location of the house.  Being tidy and orderly is not my natural talents.  I love the order of chaos.  I think in some ways thats why I don't mind being in the messes of young people.

My first year of living in Belfast, God taught me the importance of seeing beauty in the midst of chaos/ messes.  I was being prayed with and there was a tornado of "stuff" in my minds eyes distracting me from the prayer time.  I took a deep breath and asked God what it meant.  While all these things were spinning around me, we walked together and in the middle of a pile of stuff there was a little flower- just for me! I realised that don't have to have everything in my life figured out or organised but that God could help me find beauty and order in the middle of the mess if only I remain close to Him.

This has been a great practice in my life that I have tried to strive for- to find beauty in the messes.  Whether this be my life, my desk at work, the city i live in, or the people I share life with, I try to see the beauty (particularly what God sees as beautiful) in the midst of the mess and chaos.  I'm by no means perfect at it, but I am striving for it.  Sometimes when life feels a bit overwhelming and I don't know what to do, I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and God shows me the flowers in the midst of it.  May I never forget to look for the beauty in the messes.

In the midst of a busy week of school retreats, my desk became a "catch all" and bit of a mess.
Yet I smiled each time I worked at it because of the flowers a friend brought me. :) 

My Provisional License

According to Google "provisional" means "arranged or existing for the presen

t, possibly to be changed later."

A couple of weeks ago, I received my UK provisional licenses (learners permit).  I've been dragging my feet about doing this for over a year, but decided that it was finally time!  This spring has brought about a lot of internal change for me, especially in regards to how I view my life in Belfast.  There are too many things on my "maybe one day" to do list and it's time to start checking things off.

Belfast is where God has me for the foreseeable future.  Rather than continually questioning WHY or HOW LONG will I be here- it's time to just live life to the full in the place that God has planted me.  It's a bit of a mind shift, but I am excited for the change in the air.

Last Monday, I had my first driving lesson, and it went really well.  I have loads of studying to do for the theory test in which I will be taking in two weeks.  Yes the rules of the road a bit different from America.  It's time to stop moaning about my 11 years of driving experience and focus more on learning how to drive stick shift (manual) on the other side of the road.

I have a few friends who have studied linguistics and are fascinated with the roots and origins of words.  The root of "provisional" is "provision" or "to provide for."  I think of all the ways God has provided for me my entire life but especially while living in Belfast.  I don't know what my future entails, but I do trust that God will provide for me.  Unlike my provisional licenses- He won't be changing.  So in this world of change I am truly secure and provided for.  It makes trying new things and taking leaps of faith easier.

As much as relearning how to drive feels like taking a step backwards, I really know it's massively move forward in my life in Belfast and the growth God is doing in me.  I hope to not have my provisional licenses long but I am excited for the learning I will do while having it.

ManMade Windows

Last Tuesday evening around 5:30 I packed up my things to leave work as I usually did.  I went downstairs to say "hi" to the group of young men who had gathered for their Man Made project.  A guy from Love for Life had just arrived to speak to them about the topic of sexuality.  Not a subject I would want to stick around for.

I started to head out the door and noticed a couple guys trying to push these two young boys out the door.  The boys were familiar to me. They were always running around the grounds of YI terrorising passerbyers and trying to sneak into the building.  Last time they were in the building, they broke some equipment of ours.  Needless to say they were not welcomed into the building.

I decided to ignore them knowing they would eventually leave until I saw the youngest one (7 years old maybe) start spitting on our door windows.  He kept doing it over and over again and the guys were raging.  It was time to intervene and I went over to ask where they boys lived, so i could bring them home.  Squatting down to their level, I was slightly concerned that they would spit in my face.  I wasn't making much progress with my chat with them.

That's when Conor one of the young ManMade volunteers (16 years old I think) came out with a rag saying "wash my windows now."  He didn't rise his voice, he didn't threaten them, he just said firmly and with authority that the boys needed to wash the windows.  The young one (who spat) ran away while the older one took the rag and began wiping the saliva off the windows.  He than handed the rag to Conor and ran off too.

I was blown away by Conor's maturity and the way he handled the situation.  I don't know very much about ManMade (it's for guys obviously), but I do know they look at characteristics that make real men rather than what media or society tells them.  Conor could have lost his cool with the boys yelling at them or whacking them upside the head.  Rather he showed them what responsibility looked like.  Not only did Conor model this to the boys but also to his mates that were watching.

Our world is in desperate need of guys to be men.  I'm so grateful for the ManMade programme who help and support the growth of Godly men.  I pray that they can continue to step into manhood which is much much more than being macho but rather being responsible witness of God's call on their life. May these guys become ManMade Windows who transparently show the love of Christ in all that they do.  

Time for a Car

I really want a car.  I think about it all the time as I walk from place to place watching nice shiny cars drive by.  I get so excited for the time when I will have a car of my own. 

And that’s my goal that next fall I’ll have a car of my own.  It was one of things I missed most moving here, but the process was quite complicated to get a car or even to drive one.  You have to be insured on the car in which you are driving rather than the way insurance works in the States.  I also don’t know how to drive stick shift very well, which is a bit complicated.  I hated the idea that after 10 years of driving, I would have to start over again.  It just didn’t seem fair (especially since I let a Glasgowian borrow my car regularly during my gap year.)  Couldn’t someone repay the favour?!

As much as I missed having a car, I also wasn’t very motivated to get a car.  I began to really like walking to places and taking the bus.  My legs have never been so muscular in all my days.  I loved running into people on the bus or walking through the neighbourhood.  It became my way of connecting with people and feeling apart of the community here.

But the time has come that I am ready to move onto the next step of my Belfast life.  It’s time to get a car.  I’m ready to step back, get my licenses again, take driving lessons, and look for a car to buy.  It’s a long process, but I’m excited and ready to do it… almost!

At my last supervision, I was given pure lector about how I often say I want to get a car, yet am I really doing anything about it to move it forward… aka- working on my personal support raising.  I need to increase the amount of money I make each month (which I need to anyways to live sustainable life here) as well as fundraise for a car. 

Naturally I want to shrink back and say “it’s fine to just take the bus.”  And it is just fine but I also know that I am entering into a new season of my Belfast life - one that includes more sustainability and long term vision.  So I swallow my pride again, and go back to working on my fundraising. 

By next fall, I have a goal of having a car.  It’s about time I start working on it! I’ve sent away for my provisional licenses (learners permit) and I am spending time on my fundraising.  They are small steps, but I can’t wait to have a car of my own! 

Spring Reconstruct

Springing cleaning. I hate doing it, but I know it often needs to be done.  You look at your house (or life) throw open the windows, pull out the boxes, clear out the piles in order to clean and restructure.  I’ve been doing this in my own life as well.  After living in Belfast for three years, I’ve decided (with the help of others) that it’s time to throw open my life and restructure a few things.

Originally, I thought I would stay here for a year or two, but God keeps make it clear that He has more for me here.  Coming to the end of Year 3, I’ve started reflecting on how this isn’t a short-term missionary stint but actually I need to start viewing my life here as a long-term missionary.  God has provided abundantly for me here, but it’s time to start looking a bit more at my future and sustainability rather than just living year by year especially financially.

This spring, I am taking a chunk of time to restructure my life to make it more sustainable for long term missionary work, so I’m not sent home in a little “burned-out/ I hate people” box.  I don’t necessarily want to do this, but I know that I have to if I want to continue doing missionary work in which I truly believe God has called me to. 

So what does this look like?

1)   Taking more time for prayer and reflection in my life and work.  “Unless the Lord builds the house, I build in vain.”- Psalm 127.1  Everything I do has to be done for and through God or else I am working in vain- what’s the point then?  I need space to think, pray, breath, and be.  I am a human BEing rather than a Human Doing.

2)   Fundraising for a more sustainable income.  I work 40+ hours a week and make less than 20.  Through a grant from the States, The Koch Foundation, I get paid 12 hours from YI and a bit more from my personal support raising – PSR.  I’ve been making enough to get by, but it’s not sustainable for the long run.  I am working with my mentor on putting together a more realistic budget and salary allowance. It’s my goal to be able to pay more for my rent, save for the future, shop (sometimes even if it’s from thrift stores :0), live a life of hospitality, and work towards bigger purchases like #3.  God has provided generously (don’t even have words for it sometimes) for me in the past, and I trust that He will continue doing that in the future.

3)   Work towards getting a CAR! This is huge for me.  A portion of my fundraising will be going towards getting a car, paying for insurance, MOT, tax, and petrol.  It’s expensive, but something I believe it’s time for.  It will help me get around easier as well as bless the ministry work I do.  I will be able to meet up with people easier, pick up young people from school, offer lifts, and save loads of time getting from place to place.

4)   This spring/ summer, I will also be working towards getting my British drivers licenses.  This is something I have been putting off for the last couple of years.  It is intimidating, and I hated how different the system is from back home.  Moving towards a more sustainable and long term missionary lifestyle requires me swallowing my pride and taking a plunge for my licenses. Aka- starting from the beginning again.  Ultimately it will lead to greater freedom and mobility.

5)   Exercise… yeah… I’ve been talking about this for years.  I hate working out but love working hard.  It’s the small town girl in me.  The reality is I don’t live on a farm or go hiking every day.  My life is fast paced and can be stressful which isn’t always good for my health.  I’ve felt the impact of that this year through being sick a lot.  I need to start exercising in order to survive, thrive and ultimately be healthier.

6)   Accountability- it’s easy for me to say that I want to do all these things in my journal, but it’s another thing to be held accountable for these areas in my life.  This is part of why I am blogging about it- I want to be held accountable and live in the light. I also have key people who supervise and care for me in Belfast who I am allowing to speak particularly into these areas of my life.  They aren’t going to be cracking the whip ticking off how much I’ve down.  Rather they are going to lovingly help me more towards my goals of living a sustainable long-term missionary lifestyle. 

I have been supported by so many people over the years as I have travelled the world doing various kinds of missionary work.  I cannot thank you enough for your support, prayers, and love.  Please don’t stop now!  I still need your help especially now as I transition into a new phase of my missionary life. 

So what can you do?

1)   Pray for me!  I can’t make these transitions without the grace of God.

2)   Pray for the work I do and the young people I minister to.   

3)   Send me a note or email (sarah.nilles@gmail.com) to encourage me and ask how I’m doing.  Help me be supported and held accountable through your love and care.

4)   Support me financially either as a one off (maybe towards a car :) or on a monthly basis.  My regular supporters are incredible and I don’t know what I would do without them.  Come join my team in the missionary work I do.  – Check out this link to learn how or send me an email-
5)   Share my story and the work I do with others.  Maybe God is calling them to get behind the work I’m doing and support me too.  We will never know unless we ask.  

6)   Be creative!  What other ways can you support me?  I look forward to hearing your ideas. 

That’s it.  That’s my spring restructure.  As much as I don’t want to do it, I know that it’s time and actually I’m more ready for it than I think.  God’s grace is enough, and He has good things for me.  Here’s to spring cleaning and allowing God to restructure my life towards a more sustainable missionary life style.  Let the cleaning begin! 

50 Ways of Love

This morning (Valentine's Day), I woke up with the anticipation and joy of love.  A smile crossed my face as I remembered how very loved I am today not only by my Heavenly Father but by so many people who I share life with (some more regularly than others :).

This morning, I made a Valentines Day breakfast for my roommate and myself... a tradition I started after working with Merge Church in Minneapolis.  While praying for our meal, I was reminded how love can be such a mixture of things for so many people.  In particular with '50 Shades of Grey' coming out in theatres we are reminded of that reality ever more.  What is love?  Do we even know what it is anymore?  How do we accept it and how do we give it?  And do we even know Love Himself?

This past week on Facebook, I've seen countless articles about '50 Shades of Grey.'  In reflecting upon love today, I decided to write my own "50 Ways of Love"- acknowledging, honouring, thanking, recognising some of the ways in which I have been loved this past year.  It's only a drop in the bucket in literally the countless ways people have shown me love in my life.  For that I am truly grateful, honoured, and most importantly LOVED this Valentine's Day!  Thank YOU!

50 Ways of Love:

1) Love Himself
2) Redoing my room while I'm away in America
3) Giving me silly gifts that are way past my birthday but are exactly ME
4) Snuggling with me on the couch
5) Giving me a back message
6) Spending the holidays with me and opening up your home
7) An email from MRG
8) Adventures through Minneapolis
9) Allowing me to stay over at your house
10) Incredible hospitality (even if I need it last minute)
11) My countless supporters especially through their sacrifice financially allowing me to stay in Belfast
12) Chris' accountability
13) Laura telling me to "wind my neck in"
14) The Mass
15) All the favours my mom still does for me
16) My parents picking me up from the airport and allowing me to use their car
17) Meals around the table
18) Grandpa and Grandma's handwritten letters
19) Grandpa Jim driving the speed boat so I can ski at the Lake House
20) My cousins giving me crackers because they know I miss them in Ireland
21) Encouraging emails
22) Time of prayer with sisters
23) Mags putting up with my fits
24) All the lifts I constantly receive
25) Michael asking when I'm going to be coming home
26) Time with Annalise
27) Late birthday cards from a youth minister who still cares for me today as much as when I was 16
28) Taking me on adventures
29) Birthday attack hugs at 12 AM
30) Playing games of farkle
31) Slaggin
32) Speaking prophetically over my life
33) Coming home to flowers
34) Asking for forgiveness and offering restoration
35) Loving me like sweet lemonade on a hot summers day or vanilla ice cream with apple pie
36) Watching a basketball game and rooting for my team in a pub. Go Cyclones!
37) Taking me out for lunch just because I'm in town
38) Sitting in coffee shops dreaming about life and sharing the realities of life right now- deep convos
39) Not wanting to change me
40) Listening to stories of Belfast and young people I work with
41) All the prayers lifted up for me that I will never know of
42) Facebook messages with Joe Hall
43) Making my favourite food
44) Getting me something from the shop 'just because'
45) Journeying alongside me (especially while discerning the Lord's call upon my life)
46) Notes left for me
47) Being my best friend
48) Allowing me to leave home AND making a home for me 'here' wherever 'here' maybe
49) Sunsets over the mountains with the ocean waves crashing in
50) God's Truths being spoken into my life

Stories Collide

Written on March 22, 2014

I have a couple of friendships that are kind of hard to explain. Maybe because I hardly see them. It's not like we were friends in college and then I moved away, but rather I would randomly get together with them and a friendship grew- really fast. It's kind of like we are soul sisters in some random way. They are people God has placed in my life and really sparked a deep connection that only God could.
Today I got together with one such friend named Jude. I met her while attending a church service at Redeemer Central in Belfast City Centre. After chatting a few times at church, we decided to get together for coffee. Meeting at Starbucks, we shared a common story of moving to Belfast to work with disadvantage youth while having a heart for cross community work. She also told me about a project she was working on called Tell It in Colour bringing together young people from interface communities to share their stories. Something inside me sparked as she told stories of young people coming together to share their own stories even though it was unconventional and messy. Over the last few years, God had been planting seeds inside of me about story telling. I didn't know what it meant, but I knew Jude and I would meet again to swap stories.

I can't tell you how many times I've tried to get together with Jude over the last few months, but today our schedules finally came together. Both running late, we enjoyed a cup of coffee together at Cafe Nero. Within minutes of catching up on each other's lives, we found ourselves talking about city of Belfast and her people. The state in which she was in and the challenges facing young people. Jude as a news reporter, told me stories that she had reported on during the past year. I spoke about the life's of young people and the challenges they faced. Passion for Belfast the city in which God has sent us filled our conversation and time together.

The idea of story telling and allowing young people to have a voice was a common theme in our conversation. I knew that God was continuing to plant and stir something within us, but I didn't know what or how it would be done. So we went for a walk and started praying- thanking God for what he has been doing and asking him to come and intervene in the lives of people in this city. While praying about Gods promises, we looked up and saw a rainbow.

I don't know what God is doing in Jude and my life, but I'm excited, hopeful, and trusting that He will reveal it in His own time. Until then I will continue trusting in Him and praying for the city of Belfast.
"Pray for the city in which I sent you, for upon its welfare depends your own." -Jeremiah 29.10