A Life In Between

I'm starting to get frustrated at little things.  The past two weeks, I've been trying to stay connected with my work in Belfast making sure that everything moves forward and is taken care of while I am away.  But the fact is that I am away so there are decisions being made that I'm not there for.  It's frustrating and yesterday I found myself getting frustrated at a coworker for not consulting me on something.  Later after thinking about it, I realised it wasn't that big of deal and actually it's a brilliant thing to be doing. I just hate not knowing what's going on and hearing about it afterwards.  She so honourably acknowledged how hard it must be being away and not being able to input into things. It was such a relief having somebody acknowledge what was going on inside of me.

Then I snapped at my dad who was trying to connect me with people here for lunch or a meeting.  I have been trying to connect with loads of people having fundraising meetings, but I was just feeling tired.  I know I don't have enough time to fully do the support raising process and that kills me too. So this internal frustration started bubbling out.

Why can't I be in two places at once?  Why can't more things be done via facetime or emails?  I live so much of my life via wifi... why can't others see the goodness of skype?

This often happens my last few days at home.  I feel the pinch.  The pinch between staying and going.   Caught in the middle trying to do fundraising and YI work at the same time while spending time with family and friends.  Caught in the middle between Iowa and Ireland.

This is my life all the time... caught in the middle between two things where neither one is fully home anymore.  Some how I need to learn how to live in the middle experiencing freedom rather than a pinching trap.  For it is in God's grace that I live in the middle- maybe more like a venn diagram rather than a pinching trap forcing me to choose one or the other.

The reality is I choose both!  I can't have one with out the other.  My heart is in both and both are home (with a bit in Minneapolis, Detroit, Sierra Leone, and my Aunt Jen's house too).  I live the life of an expat- someone who lives out of their country of origin.  I join a multitude of expats within our generation who just aren't quite sure where home is anymore.

So sometimes I get frustrated and vent to my best friends voicemail. My heart is hurting and I am trying to be peaceful enjoying my last bit of time at home with my family while rushing around finishing up things.  There are so many things that I want to do while home in the States and I am learning to be ok with the little that I do do.  As well as recognise how incredible my family is driving me around the country visiting friends, making my favourite food, and letting me beat them in cards! ;)  God is good and I am blessed that He has called me to this way of life.  Yes it's hard and challenging, but I couldn't imagine it any other way.