Divine Providence

Divine providence- what does that even mean?  I was going to look it up on dictionary.com, but I don’t have any internet connection right now, so I will use my “edumecation” instead.  Divine- something of above or otherness.  Something holy or Godly.  Providence- to provide.  So going with the Sarah-dictionary, divine providence must mean- God providing. 

On Friday afternoon, I saw a pink envelope addressed to me and sent to YI.  Excited at the idea of getting a letter sent to me at work, I quickly ripped it open to see a cute card inside.  Upon opening it, I saw multiple £20 notes.  Quickly reading the letter, I realized that it was anonymous.  Shock and excitement filled me as I contemplated the random act of kindness and generosity of another. 

“Gotta love a bit of divine providence!!! Blessings to you and may the Lord use others to provide for you in the work you do. Here’s to sharing and spreading the gift,” read the card.

This past weekend, I gave a talk and shared my struggle receiving free gifts from others.  I hated being out loved or not having enough time to spend with those who were generous to me.  I remember being in an SPO Christian household, and getting so upset because my sisters were loving me and I didn’t feel like I was loving them enough back.  This was always a struggle for me and something that led to a lot of guilt.  My professors at St. Thomas were so generous to me, and often allowed me to turn in my papers late. I hated having to turn in a paper late, but I was often so busy with other things.  Guilt would again consume me as I would wish that I was a better person.

The worse guilt came when I graduated with honours from St. Thomas.  “I don’t deserve this,” I told myself while everyone else was so excited around me.  If they only knew how bad of a student I was, then they wouldn’t be so proud. 

My dad always told me that he didn’t mind what grades I would get as long as I did my best.  This piece of advice should have been liberating however it often gripped me in guilt and fear.  “Did I really do the best on this paper?”  “If I hadn’t gone out for coffee with that girl, I could have studied more. “ “Why did I go to bed and not study more?”  I never felt that I was good enough or did my best even if I gave all that I could.  “I could have done better,” were my constant thoughts.

Over the last couple of years, I began to realize the prison walls that I had built around myself enslaving me in my guilt and fear.  I realized that by not allowing others to be generous to me or when I did, constantly feeling guilty. I wasn’t allowing myself to experience grace from others or even more from God.  I was closing myself off from God’s love and grace that He desperately wanted to pour into my life.  The truth is, I don’t deserve his love, forgiveness, or grace, but because He is God He does it anyways.  None of us deserve it, but that’s what makes it grace.

If I don’t allow God or others to love me, then I will never be able to truly give to other people either.  I will never be able to live in true freedom, love or joy.  Rather, I will be a prisoner in my own guilt- walls that I have built around myself.  We’re not made for prison- we are made for freedom!  God has been slowly chipping away at my walls, and I have actually been allowing him to do so.  Getting a random anonymous letter filled with money is another reminder of how God truly wants to be the one to provide for me without me doing anything in return.  Instead, I will be grateful and continue to love those around me and “spreading the gift.”     

Persevering Through the Mountains

Persevering Through the Mountains

Why do my teachers always give me so much course work?  I hate school.  It really should be called a prison.  Why does my ma always ask me to clean the house?  Is Christmas ever coming?   My boss is making me work too hard.  I never have enough money. How am I ever going to be prepared for the future?

There is a lot going on in our lives and sometimes it feels like too much to cope with, and we don’t know how we are going to continue on in the insurmountable mountains that loom over us.  Too often to make things worse, there are people who tell us, “you can’t do it.”  “You’ll never be good enough.”  “Why do you even try?”  “No one else in the family was able to do that.”  “You aren’t smart enough.”  “Only pretty people can do that.”  “You aren’t worth it.”  “No one really will ever love you.”  It’s in the face of these situations that you need to persevere and be persistent through the mountains and valleys of life while believing in yourself and the gifts God has blessed you with. 

There is a story of a man named Spence West who lost both of his legs at the age of 5.  The doctors told him that he would never be able to walk or lead an active life again.  But the Canadian-born 31 year old defied all the odds, knowing down every barrier and obstacle in his way.  With the support of his family and friends and through sheer willpower, Spencer has proved the doubter wrong by achieving the impossible.

He climbed Mt. Kilimanjao in Africa.

He spent over 12 months in intensive training, making sure his arms and hands were strong enough to support the extreme physical pressure they’d be put under.  It took him a grueling 7 days to make it to the summit, he traveled only using his hands for a stunning 80% of the trek and with his two best friends by his side willing him on- he held raise an incredible £300,000 for the Free the Children charity.  Through sheer drive, determination and perseverance Spencer West as shown the world that anything is possible and in doing so, he truly is an inspiration to us all.

LOOK at the PICTURES of SPENCER: http://sobadsogood.com/2012/06/23/a-truly-inspiring-story-of-dedication-perseverance-spencer-west-climbed-mt-kilimanjaro/

There is another story in the Bible about a widow who was looking for a just judgment from a judge.  The judge was a cruel man who didn’t care about others or God.  The woman persistently went to him each day looking for a just judgment.  Finally, the judge decided that he even though didn’t respect other people or even God he would give the widow a justice judgment solely for her persistence.

Life can often be overwhelming, but God invites us to be persistent and overcome life’s challenges.  Is there something you need to persevere through?  Ask God for the help and grace to be persistent and overcome the mountains in your life. 

An Attitude of Gratitude

I'm starting to write weekly reflections for one of the local secondary schools based on the Weekly Gospel Readings.  This is my spin on today's Gospel about Jesus healing the 10 lepers from Luke 17.11-19. 

Mentally make a list of all the things you are thankful for.  What are you grateful for?  Who do you need to thank?  Having trouble thinking of things?  Or do loads of thoughts come to mind?  “Who me?” you think, “What do I have to be thankful for?”

Igniter Video (YouTube): "Show me what I have to be thankful for." 

It’s so easy to complain about all the things that are bad in the world and in our lives that we forget about the good things around us.  We forget to say “Thank you.” 

There once was a grandmother with many grandchildren.  Each year for their birthdays, she would send them a card with a cheque in it.  And to her disappointment, each year, none of her grandchildren would thank her.  Finally one year, all of her grandchildren stopped by her house for a visit after receiving their birthday card.  “That’s amazing!” one of her friends exclaimed.  “No it isn’t,” said the grandmother sadly.  “I didn’t sign any of their cheques.”

Too often we approach God like this.  We only go to him when we are in need, but how often do we stop and thank him for his goodness, for all the gifts he has given you, for providing for your needs, for your very life?  Are we too busy running around moaning and complaining that we don’t take time to stop and thank God for all he has done for us?  Do you even take time to thank other around you?

There is a story in the Bible about 10 lepers who are cured from their skin disease.  Leprosy is a horrible disease that affects your skin and eats away at different body parts.  These 10 men asked Jesus to take pity and cure them of their disease.  He told them to go to the holy temple and show themselves to a priest.  While walking, they were cured of leprosy.  One of the lepers realized what happened and went back to Jesus praising God and thanking him for curing him of his disease.  Jesus asked where the other 9 were, and told the man who came back that his faith has saved him.

Which man would you be?  One of the 9 who kept walking or the 1 man who came back and thanked God for his goodness? Gratitude and thankfulness is not only essential to the Christian life, but to living a good life.  By being thankful each day, you slowly begin to change into a better person who has a positive and Godly view on life.  There are two ways to live life.  Either having an attitude of “baditude” or an attitude of “gratitude.”  Why don’t you start to slow down and notice all the things you have to be grateful for?  Then try expressing it not only to the people around you but also to God.  Maybe keep a gratitude journal or write a thank you note.  Maybe God will say the same thing to you as he did to the one leper who came back to thank him, “Stand up and go on your way. Your faith has saved you.”  

I Just Need a Break

I remember so clearly learning the difference between introverts and extroverts when I was at a summer Christian leadership conference (CLC).  I was an extrovert- people energized me and a lot of my friends were introverts including my youth leader and I never understood how they needed quiet time.  The quiet scared me- actually I couldn’t stand being quiet for too long.  I learned that alone time gave introverts time and space to figure out their thoughts and re-energize.  I didn’t really get it, but I respected it. 

I loved the idea of being an extrovert!  I loved people and how they brought me to life.  In college I remember days feeling like crap and not wanting to go to an SPO event, but I just lit up as soon as I entered the room and talked to all those people.  Yeah, it was sometimes tiring, but I absolutely loved it and I felt so energized afterwards.  “I’m such an extrovert,” I would say to myself. 

During my gap year in Detroit, we took a lot of personality and career development tests.  I loved figuring out what kind of “person” I was and what kind of “people” my friends and co-workers were.  “This makes so much sense. Of course you are that kind of “person.”  One of my fellow gappers hated that we had to do these tests.  “Why do you need to take a test to get to know a person?” he would say.  “You don’t understand,” we would tell him.  It’s helpful… right?

I used to get so frustrated with the guys in Detroit because they would make me be quiet on purpose.  We would be traveling in a car and they would just not talk to me because they knew it drove me bonkers.  Like I wanted to crawl out of my skin… or maybe it was my head because I hated being in someone’s presence and not talking to them.  I later learned that quality time was one of my love languages so I based the value of relationships on time we spent together and the conversations we would have during that time together (another test I took).  That’s how I felt loved, valued, and appreciated.  Instead those stupid boys would force me to be quiet and face the demons in my head.  Ignorant blokes! 

I spent a lot of quiet time in Detroit.  I didn’t have a lot of friends there, so I had to learn how to process life in a new way- by myself in the quiet of my room.  Of course I talked to people, but I didn’t always have someone to talk to as I had in the past.  I also was dealing with much deeper stuff than I ever had before.  It wasn’t just things I could talk about at a party.  “What did you do this week?”they would ask me.  “Well, a guy down the street was shot…”  Not really a great conversation starter.  So I learned how the “alone time” and “quietness” which I had once hated could become a way for me to figure out my thoughts even if it wasn’t something I was exactly comfortable with. 

Today, October 8, 2013, I became very irritated while I at work.  “You haven’t had thinking time have you?” said my roommate.  That just irritated me even more.  When did I need to have alone time to think?  What happened to my extrovert side which thrived in the action and chaos of life?  Am I becoming old and boring?  Why am I changing so much?  Why can’t I handle the fact that I didn’t have enough down time this weekend I the house?  Why do I even need down time in the house?  It just irritates me.

I knew I couldn’t go out tonight even though the UCO church event would have been nice to be at.  Instead, I bought a bottle of wine, lit candles, listened to Bon Iver and ate ice cream.  I just needed a break from everything.  The culture here exhausts me.  If I don’t get a break to center myself, I burst into tears and I begin to shut down.  And yes, that did happen to me today… multiple times.  Why else would I need the chocolate ice cream?! 

I’m really love being here in Belfast and the life I have here.  I have incredible friends who really love me and a fulfilling job.  Sometimes I forget that I live in a foreign country because Belfast has become home and it’s just normal to be here.  Unlike Africa, there are so many things here that are the same as life back in the States since it’s a Western country.  Culturally, Belfast is another planet.  Slagging, poking fun, and general banter force me to build a thick skin even when I don’t want to.  I love it and hate it all at the same time.  Sometimes, I just want to be Sarah, and not try to navigate through all the cultural differences.  Then, when I am back in the States people are oober nice and cuddly and I can barely cope with that either.  I’m becoming a mix- a sojourner in the truest form. 

Sometimes, I just need a break to recenter myself and remember who I am in the midst of everything.  To be Sarah and express my thousands of thoughts constantly flood my head without needing to filter them through a cultural sifter.  I don’t know if I am changing into an introvert or not.  I don’t really care to be honest.  The truth is- I just want to be me!  The woman God created me to be.  I think different seasons will bring out different sides of me, but for now I just have to remember the importance of stepping back and remembering who I am in the midst of life’s every day ups and downs.