I Just Need a Break

I remember so clearly learning the difference between introverts and extroverts when I was at a summer Christian leadership conference (CLC).  I was an extrovert- people energized me and a lot of my friends were introverts including my youth leader and I never understood how they needed quiet time.  The quiet scared me- actually I couldn’t stand being quiet for too long.  I learned that alone time gave introverts time and space to figure out their thoughts and re-energize.  I didn’t really get it, but I respected it. 

I loved the idea of being an extrovert!  I loved people and how they brought me to life.  In college I remember days feeling like crap and not wanting to go to an SPO event, but I just lit up as soon as I entered the room and talked to all those people.  Yeah, it was sometimes tiring, but I absolutely loved it and I felt so energized afterwards.  “I’m such an extrovert,” I would say to myself. 

During my gap year in Detroit, we took a lot of personality and career development tests.  I loved figuring out what kind of “person” I was and what kind of “people” my friends and co-workers were.  “This makes so much sense. Of course you are that kind of “person.”  One of my fellow gappers hated that we had to do these tests.  “Why do you need to take a test to get to know a person?” he would say.  “You don’t understand,” we would tell him.  It’s helpful… right?

I used to get so frustrated with the guys in Detroit because they would make me be quiet on purpose.  We would be traveling in a car and they would just not talk to me because they knew it drove me bonkers.  Like I wanted to crawl out of my skin… or maybe it was my head because I hated being in someone’s presence and not talking to them.  I later learned that quality time was one of my love languages so I based the value of relationships on time we spent together and the conversations we would have during that time together (another test I took).  That’s how I felt loved, valued, and appreciated.  Instead those stupid boys would force me to be quiet and face the demons in my head.  Ignorant blokes! 

I spent a lot of quiet time in Detroit.  I didn’t have a lot of friends there, so I had to learn how to process life in a new way- by myself in the quiet of my room.  Of course I talked to people, but I didn’t always have someone to talk to as I had in the past.  I also was dealing with much deeper stuff than I ever had before.  It wasn’t just things I could talk about at a party.  “What did you do this week?”they would ask me.  “Well, a guy down the street was shot…”  Not really a great conversation starter.  So I learned how the “alone time” and “quietness” which I had once hated could become a way for me to figure out my thoughts even if it wasn’t something I was exactly comfortable with. 

Today, October 8, 2013, I became very irritated while I at work.  “You haven’t had thinking time have you?” said my roommate.  That just irritated me even more.  When did I need to have alone time to think?  What happened to my extrovert side which thrived in the action and chaos of life?  Am I becoming old and boring?  Why am I changing so much?  Why can’t I handle the fact that I didn’t have enough down time this weekend I the house?  Why do I even need down time in the house?  It just irritates me.

I knew I couldn’t go out tonight even though the UCO church event would have been nice to be at.  Instead, I bought a bottle of wine, lit candles, listened to Bon Iver and ate ice cream.  I just needed a break from everything.  The culture here exhausts me.  If I don’t get a break to center myself, I burst into tears and I begin to shut down.  And yes, that did happen to me today… multiple times.  Why else would I need the chocolate ice cream?! 

I’m really love being here in Belfast and the life I have here.  I have incredible friends who really love me and a fulfilling job.  Sometimes I forget that I live in a foreign country because Belfast has become home and it’s just normal to be here.  Unlike Africa, there are so many things here that are the same as life back in the States since it’s a Western country.  Culturally, Belfast is another planet.  Slagging, poking fun, and general banter force me to build a thick skin even when I don’t want to.  I love it and hate it all at the same time.  Sometimes, I just want to be Sarah, and not try to navigate through all the cultural differences.  Then, when I am back in the States people are oober nice and cuddly and I can barely cope with that either.  I’m becoming a mix- a sojourner in the truest form. 

Sometimes, I just need a break to recenter myself and remember who I am in the midst of everything.  To be Sarah and express my thousands of thoughts constantly flood my head without needing to filter them through a cultural sifter.  I don’t know if I am changing into an introvert or not.  I don’t really care to be honest.  The truth is- I just want to be me!  The woman God created me to be.  I think different seasons will bring out different sides of me, but for now I just have to remember the importance of stepping back and remembering who I am in the midst of life’s every day ups and downs.