Divine Providence

Divine providence- what does that even mean?  I was going to look it up on dictionary.com, but I don’t have any internet connection right now, so I will use my “edumecation” instead.  Divine- something of above or otherness.  Something holy or Godly.  Providence- to provide.  So going with the Sarah-dictionary, divine providence must mean- God providing. 

On Friday afternoon, I saw a pink envelope addressed to me and sent to YI.  Excited at the idea of getting a letter sent to me at work, I quickly ripped it open to see a cute card inside.  Upon opening it, I saw multiple £20 notes.  Quickly reading the letter, I realized that it was anonymous.  Shock and excitement filled me as I contemplated the random act of kindness and generosity of another. 

“Gotta love a bit of divine providence!!! Blessings to you and may the Lord use others to provide for you in the work you do. Here’s to sharing and spreading the gift,” read the card.

This past weekend, I gave a talk and shared my struggle receiving free gifts from others.  I hated being out loved or not having enough time to spend with those who were generous to me.  I remember being in an SPO Christian household, and getting so upset because my sisters were loving me and I didn’t feel like I was loving them enough back.  This was always a struggle for me and something that led to a lot of guilt.  My professors at St. Thomas were so generous to me, and often allowed me to turn in my papers late. I hated having to turn in a paper late, but I was often so busy with other things.  Guilt would again consume me as I would wish that I was a better person.

The worse guilt came when I graduated with honours from St. Thomas.  “I don’t deserve this,” I told myself while everyone else was so excited around me.  If they only knew how bad of a student I was, then they wouldn’t be so proud. 

My dad always told me that he didn’t mind what grades I would get as long as I did my best.  This piece of advice should have been liberating however it often gripped me in guilt and fear.  “Did I really do the best on this paper?”  “If I hadn’t gone out for coffee with that girl, I could have studied more. “ “Why did I go to bed and not study more?”  I never felt that I was good enough or did my best even if I gave all that I could.  “I could have done better,” were my constant thoughts.

Over the last couple of years, I began to realize the prison walls that I had built around myself enslaving me in my guilt and fear.  I realized that by not allowing others to be generous to me or when I did, constantly feeling guilty. I wasn’t allowing myself to experience grace from others or even more from God.  I was closing myself off from God’s love and grace that He desperately wanted to pour into my life.  The truth is, I don’t deserve his love, forgiveness, or grace, but because He is God He does it anyways.  None of us deserve it, but that’s what makes it grace.

If I don’t allow God or others to love me, then I will never be able to truly give to other people either.  I will never be able to live in true freedom, love or joy.  Rather, I will be a prisoner in my own guilt- walls that I have built around myself.  We’re not made for prison- we are made for freedom!  God has been slowly chipping away at my walls, and I have actually been allowing him to do so.  Getting a random anonymous letter filled with money is another reminder of how God truly wants to be the one to provide for me without me doing anything in return.  Instead, I will be grateful and continue to love those around me and “spreading the gift.”